Dos & Don'ts of Au Pairing

A mere 5 days after my freshman year of college, I boarded a one way flight to Madrid. Who was waiting on me on the other side? A family I met online. I know, it sounds against every beginner internet safety course ever, but off I went. I deboarded the plan and made my way through customs to find two smiling children holding a sparkling poster reading "Welcome Ellie", and so began my summer of au pairing.

If you're confused about what an au pair even is, don't worry, you're not alone. Not to be confused with a nanny, an au pair is a "young person who travels to a foreign country for a defined period of time who supports the host family with childcare and light housework while learning the language and culture of the host country." The emphasis on cross cultural exchange is what sets an au pair apart from a nanny. While both typically live with the family, a nanny is considered an employee and is paid a salary while an au pair is viewed as a temporary family member.

A family member that cooks, cleans, and cares for the child for free or a small fee that is. The motivation for most is largely the same as my own: a desire to see the world and experience new cultures for cheap. The experience can allow for deeper mutual connection, but it can also lead to overworking and burnout. I was fortunate to have a wonderful experience, but that was largely due to my family and the research I did beforehand! Even with all of my research, I still wish I had known some of the things I know now before.

So without further rambling, here are a couple Do's and Don't from my time as an au pair in Spain.

Do: Do your research

About location, about au pairing, about the family, everything! It sounds basic, but I went along with things as they came, which definitely came back to bite me. For example, the family told me they lived just outside of Madrid in the suburbs. It turns out "just outside" Madrid is a quick 20 minute drive, or close to an hour ride on the Cercanías (the suburban railway). I didn't end up minding the commute, but I was certainly not in the middle of the city like I expected.

Don't: Go with the first family you met.

I was fortunate to get this piece of advice before I started, and I genuinely think it is what made my experience positive. I spoke to 6 or 7 families before going with the family I ended up choosing, and it made me feel so much more confident in my decision. Speaking to multiple families helped me realize what was typical and what was not.

Over the course of the summer I met several au pairs were struggling, and they were often with the first and only family they spoke to! They struggled because of mixed expectations or some sort of red flag they realized looking back they completely missed. This isn't to say you might not work with the first family you speak to - you very well might come back to them - but feeling confident in your choice and knowing what to expect is key.

Do: Use an intermediate agency.

This should be basic advice, but I'm going to say it anyways: Use an agency! I went through Au Pair World, one of the numerous agencies that works to match au pairs with host families. There are plenty out there like Care.com and AuPairCare, but I can only speak for Au Pair World. It acted almost like a dating app - you match with families or based on locations, experience, and more. From there, you can start chatting with them directly! There are families all across the world, and it is easily to sort based on location, accommodations, family size, etc. What's better - it's completely free of use for au pairs! It charges the families a small fee for use, which in my opinion is better because it keeps off any rando from signing up.

Don't: Pay for any reason.

Again, basic advice, but I feel the need to say it: you as the au pair should not pay the family for any reason! Some families might ask you to pay for your own plane ticket, which is up to your and the family's discretion. But beyond airfare, room and board should be included! I know one poor girl who met and clicked with a family, and they asked her to transfer them money to buy her plane tickets, and as soon as she paid, poof! The "dream family" disappeared.

Do: Sign a contract.

The contract should cover the duration of stay, hours, pay, and duties of the au pair. There are many free “fill in the blanks” contracts available online, setting standards for living or pay. I personally did not have a contract, so I was incredibly lucky I had no issues with my host family as I had nothing to fall back on. However, I had a friend who we'll call Amy. Amy had been an au pair the year prior with a family in France, so she was not new to the world of au pairing. She insisted upon a contract before beginning her work in Spain, but her conditions changed 3 months into the job. She was able to advocate for herself because she had the backing of the contract.

Don't: Expect to be earning much.

My host family allotted me an allowance of 70 euros a week for working around 30 hours a week (working out to an hourly wage of around 2.3 euros per hour). However, most of the friends I made received no money on top of their room and board. From what I gather, pay for au pairs ranges largely country to country, with the USA being exceptional in their pay. I didn't mind because I knew going in I was not going to be making money, but it does mean I needed to go into the whole venture with savings prepared.

Do: Set boundaries and advocate for yourself.

You're living and working with a family in a foreign country, so you're bound to get close with both the children and the whole family, which is amazing! That being said, it is completely okay to advocate for your own boundaries. I had a friend, we'll call her Kate. She was the sweetest 20 year old from Scotland who was a fellow au pair. About half way through the summer, the parents of the family Kate was working for starting having marital issues. As their marital issues worsened, they began to use Kate as an intermediary to the other - sending messages back and forth, asking her to pick sides in arguments, etc. The parents put Cate in an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and ultimately, Kate ended up leaving the family to work with another which she ended up loving. She empowered herself to move from an unfortunate situation in order to still have a great experience!

Don't: Overwork yourself.

Like I said, boundaries can be tricky when you're living and working with a family abroad! I had a wonderful relationship with my host family, but I still found myself burnt out after a few months due to the long hours. While I was supposed to have weekends off, I often found myself pitching in on my "days off." Ultimately, I was only there for a few months. I think taking time off and away is especially crucial if you want to stay as an au pair for longer periods of time!

Do: Put yourself out there!

As cliche as it sounds, say yes to every opportunity. You will make friendships and memories for life! I was able to travel with my host family, seeing everywhere from the northern farmlands in Asturias to the beautiful Spanish coastline. In fact, I remember I once was at a kid's birthday party, and I hit it off with the birthday boy's older cousin. She ended up inviting me out dancing with her and her friends, and even though it sounded crazy at the time, I went and it was one of the most fun nights I've ever had!

Don't: Get yourself down!

You're working and living alone in a completely foreign country - it will be scary at times! At times your host family will drive you crazy, the kids will have you running up the wall, or you might be missing your friends and family at home. That's completely understandable. Try to remember that each day is a new beginning, and au pairing is a truly once in a life time experience! Or just think of everything as a good story for later on!

There you have it! Au pairing is a truly beautiful way to exchange cultures and see the world. You're able to become a part of a family for a while, creating friendships and relationships that will last a lifetime. Although I had some up's and down's, I would not trade my months au pairing for anything in the world!

If you have any more questions about au pairing, feel free to comment, or if you have your own au pairing experiences, drop them below!